That Time My Dog Got Sick

Prior to 3rd year medicine, after class every day I would come home and play with Indie forever until I eventually had to study. Indie was totally cool with our arrangement until I started clerkship when all of a sudden it was no longer possible for me to skip off classes to instead chill with my dog. As the weeks went by she got more and more squirrely. I'd come home and it seemed like she was less happy than she used to be back in the days that I dutch ovened her for fun on the couch.

So the decision was made to get a second dog so that Indie could have a friend. If there is one lesson that having a puppy teaches you it's that looks are deceiving.


New dog gnawed on the table, on the stair case, on Indie's tail...and on me. And what's worse was he had the most never-ending bag of energy that no matter what you did he just COULDNT CHILL THE FUCK OUT. After a 17hr day in the hospital you can imagine how less than relaxing that was.

Not only that, but APPARENTLY puppies don't come automatically potty trained. And they are disease bags. And they hump everything. I was quickly reminded that puppies are more or less the spawn of satan. Never the less I was convinced that I am some kind of czar of dogs and therefore am totally capable of handling the hardest year of the MD program + a new puppy + a barely-trained 1yr old dog without the bat of an eyelash.

As I write this I am reminded that I wrote basically the same exact thing on here when I first got Indie.

I SHOULD GET A DOG HOW HARD COULD IT BE

I SHOULD GET A SECOND DOG HOW HARD COULD IT BE

About a week after I got Ezra, Indie fell super ill and ended up in doggy ICU (yes that's a thing).

OH GOD CAN'T HANDLE THE FEELS :( :( :( :(

 I convinced the vets that I could take care of Indie overnight, even if that meant changing her IV fluids and whatnot all night long. Whatever I had to do as long as she could sleep in bed with me so I could make sure she wasn't alone.


Turns out dogs hate having IVs in their arm and they REALLY want to have them out by any means necessary. Dogs also have legit zero memory and so then they get SUPER surprised and upset when their arm hurts after they gnaw an IV needle half out of themselves.

You know that thing Louis CK says when he's like "When I have a child I will answer ALL his questions and broaden his mind to let him grow "WHY WHY WHY "BECAUSE SOME THINGS ARE AND SOME THINGS ARE NOT"? That is my life with two dogs.

Controlling two small creatures that are 5X faster than me on my best day is close to impossible. Hoping a 11week old puppy who is a walking chew/bite/bark/pee/poop/fart/energy factory will behave long enough for me to sterilize an area, inject a 2-3min infusion into Indie every 30mins (plus clean up any profuse vomiting and diarrhea that came out of whatever orifice it wanted to) proved to be less than simple.

-J. dropped by that night Indie was home with an IV in her arm for moral support ...but not even he was immune to my stress-wrath.

Perhaps the real "straw that broke the camels back" occurred after Indie got better and I was back to having two energizer bunnies living with me. Ezra is smaller than Indie (for now) so his only real defence is "Bark forever and hopefully annoy everyone until I win whatever war I think I'm in with everybody else in this house".

Unfortunately for me, 'barking' is up there with 'the smell of diarrhea in the morning' for things I just do not want in my life. No matter what I did Ezra was just BARK BARK BARK and jumping and running away and being an all around dick. In the process of jumping on and off the couch while barking for all eternity both him and Indie knocked my laptop off the couch. I'm out in the kitchen just hoping he will STFU when out of no where I hear this huge CLANK BANG... then silence.
When I walked out into the living room and all the dogs were standing around like "shit Mom is gonna be PISSED" and the laptop is in a heap on the floor. It was a rough night.

After that event, I had a long hard think on what is my life and Ezra was banned forever from the couch.


But then... he got sleepy and everybody knows that sleepy puppies are the cuddliest puppies. So about an hour after being banned from the couch forever, the three of us took a nap where Ezra offered to be my pillow. The trio nap was so cute the owners of all 1980s Disney movies would have giardia-vomited with adorable-overload.

Anyway, long story short after all that... I'm sitting here on the couch writing this blog while sweating like a greasy pan of bacon on a family sunday breakfast cookout because all the dogs are asleep on my legs. And until they wake up... my life is totally perfect (as long as I ignore the fact that I smell like pee/sleep deprivation/am unshowered and still in pjs at 2pm because I haven't trusted the dogs alone long enough to go upstairs to get dressed).

LIKE A BOSS.

MONTE CARLO - aka: the reason why I am still in my pyjamas and unshowered at 10:43pm

First of all, let me just say that you should read this blog entry while listening to Careless Whisper Instrumental. Not because it has anything to do with any of the following words I arbitrarily jabbed onto my keyboard, but rather because this morning i woke up with this stuck so far in my head that I was out singing it while waiting for/watching my dogs poop in the backyard this morning.

there is so much sexy I just can't even.

Alright. So now that were all on the same sexy-ass George Michael Saxophone page... I wanted to  take a few minutes to have a brief little chat about Monte Carlo.

Q: WHAT IS MONTE CARLO -A!??!

A: Monte Carlo is this massive out-of-control fund raiser that med school puts off every year as a valiant (and always successful) attempt to raise unbelievable amounts of money for charity that can only be comparable to that fashion show those hot chicks had on The OC that one time.

Q: SO WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM WITH RAISING MONEY FOR THE LESS FORTUNATE YOU SELFISH PIECE OF SHIT?!!!?

A: Med school students simply do NOT have the time to be putting off this big ole jesus fund raiser where we raise +25G in like 6 months or less while concurrently attempting to learn things. Important things. Like CPR and what personality we have according to some random people in the Human Ethics department. Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer we need to be be health advocates and so forth because, clearly, we should. I'm just saying that you can't be expecting 20-something year olds to try to learn all the things that there is to learn in the world that you need us to know to keep everyone alive and healthy while concurrently putting off the biggest fundraiser of the entire year single-handed.

Regardless of what we are capable of multitasking, every year all the 1st and 2nd years are Volun-told that they need to take on this massive thankless responsibility that can only be comparable in my mind to that time I was head of Grad Committee in Grade 12 High school and everyone hates everyone else because GODDAMNIT I WANTED FORMAL MASQUERADE NOT WINTER WONDERLAND THEME. #fact. 


Anyway long story short bf is playing in his 4person band that he called a "quartet" because he's classier than me, and I'm not there. No. Instead I am on my couch in my pyjamas because I did not get dressed or showered today. This is all part of my diabolical plan to boycott Monte Carlo as the holy blessed asshole in a sea of JesusC**** that goes along with pre clerkship.

So to explain my distaste for what Monte Carlo is (no matter how good an idea it is in theory), here is a series of gifs! (it was either do this or study for my internal med NBME and, come on... we all know I'm doomed no matter what I do so HERE WE ARE)

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MONTE CARLO GIF PARTY

(by: a girl who's going to get exiled from the rest of society post-this blog entry)

The day starts like any other day; you face the morning with eager excitement:

... and get ready for an exciting day of paying riveting attention to every single word that comes out of anyone's mouth who is trying to teach you new and wondrous things!

But before the professor starts, your fellow med school people (probably the year above you) face you with excessive excitement to tell you about the best thing that's happened to you since your acceptance letter: MONTE CARLO! Oh and while they're here... maybe you could think about volunteering? No pressure though!

And being a N00b you're just like WOW! and before you know it, you're signing up to make the biggest difference ever with regard to this massive fundraiser you've never heard of 24hrs ago!

But as soon as you sign up for one thing, then it's bake sales.

And dance practice three times a week.

And also we forgot to mention but each student needs to donate a minimum of $100 each out of their own pockets in order to make this happen.

Never mind the fact that you're broke as fuck and currently living on a  > hundred-thousand dollar student loan... THINK OF THE LESS FORTUNATE PEOPLE! COME ON! WHAT ARE YOU, A COMMIE?

Months and months go by and people are haunting you to the point that every time you hear the words 'monte carlo' you start developing this demented eye twitch that keeps you from going outside during the day because heaven forbid someone ask you to do ANOTHER something or whatever because if you don't you might as well get disowned from all society for being a selfish prick. 

Oh you have to study? FUCK YOU SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE BUT WE'RE ALL MAKING SACRIFICES SO CAN YOU. Because how ELSE will your class outdo the class that put off the fund raiser last year!?!?

And by now with all the fund raising sucking your life away your grades are probably slipping and OH HEY did you forget about that assignment that's due tomorrow!? Better get on that, slacker!

The day finally comes when you and your girlfriends/boyfriends all get together to prepare for looking nice on your one night outside the house and OUT ON DA TOWNNNNN

 But... DON'T FORGET you're representing the SCHOOL and the PROFESSION and NO FUN ALLOWED.

Sometime around 3 minutes before you and your peers all go out on stage for that big fancy dance that you all learned over 3 months while simultaneously studying for every possible thing that can go wrong in a person medically, you guys all get your shit together and have one single moment where everyone stops trying to slit each other's throats and just acts like normal human beings.

The rest of the night goes without a hitch (more or less) and the rest of the year flies by. 

And one day you find yourself in clerkship when someone asks you if you're going to Monte Carlo this year on your one day off during the last 2 weeks.

And you're like... no. No I think I'll stay in and wear pyjamas and drink wine with my dogs instead. Because as horribly unhealthy as that sounds, it's better than facing Monte carlo ever again.

Fin.

-A.