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| amirite!?!? *drawn to scale... I am a giant and/or whale is SUPER far away and my awesome drawing talents show that.* |
But even MORE cool than that is that I'm making a blog to commemorate his existence because, though we don't always get along (more or less because we're too much like each other and it's kind of like putting two cats over a clothesline fence with the hopes that they have a good time), he's the best dad I've ever had and he's full of useful knowledge.
People that know me in the "real world" are probably aware that the majority of my advice is provided (regardless of the request for said advice) in the form of analogies, short stories, and hyperboles. This is most likely a genetic trait inherited through mon papa.
So to pass on some of his words of wisdom that I have accumulated over the years, here are a few key points aimed at pushing you toward a successful life, which Dad has passed along to me.
Oh and by the way...
You're welcome.
DR. -A's DAD's WISDOM
1) You can pick your friends, and your friends can pick their noses, but you can't pick your friends' noses.
AKA: Accept your friends for all their zany qualities and quirks, and if they're your real friends they will do the same for you. But at the same time... know your limitations and don't push it. Me casa is not always su casa when it comes to body parts and weird entertainments.
2) I send my sinuses to Arizona. I send my liver to Peru. I send my lungs and my kidneys for the summer in Sidney, but I'm sending my heart to you.
AKA: Satisfy your wanderlust. See the world! Learn all you can about every culture and every place... but remember no matter what you experience, always love your family and hold your loved ones dear.
3) Little Suzy short and stout, didn't grow up; she grew out.
.... Honestly I dunno... this used to go along with the comment that i was "vertically challenged" before puberty. So... remember that a healthy diet is important.
4) The wheel wrench scenario
Once upon a time there was a man who was driving down the road in the countryside. Out of nowhere, he heard a super loud noise that was horrible and obviously something shitty happened to his truck:
Upon examination, the man determined that whatever the problem was, it could easily be solved with a wheel wrench. Unfortunately, he didn't happen to have one on his person but he remembered a few miles back he saw a farm house that surely would have one. So the man hopped out of his truck and started the walk back to the farm house, whistling as he walked.
But as the man continued his walk, the sun was hot and he really hadn't planned for an epic journey along the road by himself. His mind started wandering and he thought to himself "well... what if the farmer doesn't have a wheel wrench? what will i do then?" But he chided himself to not be so negative and continued on his way.
As kilometers blurred from one to the next, the man started doubting his choice to walk to the farm house some more. "what if the farmer isn't even home and this whole walk was for nothing?" he thought to himself.
But he shook his head as if to shake out the negative thoughts and continued along the road.
"what if the farmer IS home, and he DOES have a wheel wrench, but he won't even let me borrow it because he's a bag of shit?" The man thought.
And soon the man felt himself filling with the worst, most presumptuous thoughts about the farmer. He continued along the road, but by the end of it was clomping his feet because he was so pissed at the asshole-imaginary-farmer that he pictured in his mind.
The time came when he finally arrived on the steps of the farmhouse.
He STOMED up the staircase and banged on the farmhouse door.
The farmer came out with a jolly look, but before he could even get a friendly greeting out, the man started shouting in his face: FUCK YOU, AND YOUR SHITTY WHEEL WRENCH YOU CAN KEEP IT.
The man then turned around and walked back to his truck.
Moral of the story: Don't make assumptions.
5) McDonalds and imperative life decisions (Dad Logic)
You can do whatever you want with your life. If you graduate (high school) and decide you want to work at mcdonalds flipping burgers forever, go for it. But when you get sick of that and you change your mind, and you will, make sure you have the grades to get yourself out of whatever life you end up hating. Keep your doors open.
Moral of the story: Study hard even though it sucks sometimes, and keep all your options available
6) When sad, consider Zion.
Last Christmas, my family attended a funeral for another family member who had been very much loved. She was a great person and though I didn't know her that well, I always appreciated her gentle nature and her kind ways. She truly was a wonderful woman and I'm glad she had the opportunity to live a full life. Her funeral was very sad, as all funerals are, and many of my family members (myself included) were tearful. There came a point when hymns were to be sang, and though many of my family members (myself and my dad included) rarely attend church, we stood and tried our best to sing along. This went really well until we got to a point where everyone started singing about Zion - a word that I honestly have never heard of before. So while singing I "people's eyebrowed" (re: world wrestling federation) my dad, as I had no idea wtf I was singing about. He responded similarly. Later in the song, there was a declaration as to what this Zion business was and Dad leaned in and whispered "well that answers that question".
This resulted in soggy-faced me to start laughing in the middle of the funeral which, yes I am aware is totally inappropriate and awful, but was exactly what I needed to be reminded of the good times that we're supposed to think about when we lose a person we care about, rather than focusing on the fact that they're gone.
...Can't say the rest of the congregation appreciated my laughing though.
7) Sing like you're talented, and fuck what anybody else says.
All growing up my Dad would sing in the WORST most perpetually flat-note voice to all the songs that ever were when driving in his truck. I would always complain at his tone-deafness, and he would always respond how he was immeasurably talented at singing and one day would be famous for his wondrous abilities.
When I got into high school, i was sat down at the lunch table singing along to my CD-walkman to The Killers (who have since gone WAY downhill, not even joking) and one of my friends stopped by to ask "who sings that song?". I responded enthusiastically THE KILLERS! to which he retorted "lets keep it that way".
If dad hadn't already taught me that shitty comments are totally irrelevant, that may have upset me a little. But instead i just laughed and sang louder. So... Fuck you Kris with a K.
8) Follow legal advise.
Because, if you don't want to get charged with a threat by stating exactly what you're thinking, add this important pre-phrasing: "If it were legal, I would".
Example: If it were legal, I would punch you right in the ear
9) There will come a point in your life when you realize that other people's opinions really don't matter; you will NEVER appease everyone... so just be yourself and pursue what makes you happy
I had a lot of shitty "friends" growing up. Many of my teenager peers ended up thinking i was a "loser" because i didnt drink alcohol or do drugs, others thought I was a failure at life because this one time I wore Brown pants with a black hoodie... and some other people were all like "kill yourself because life would be easier" to me because one of their friends wanted to go out with my boyfriend.
... I'm not even kidding - someone actually said that to me.
High school was a dark, dark time.
But to get me through... dad told me this over and over again. I didn't appreciate it until long after high school, but it's definitely one of the most important things you could ever learn.
10) "Every since i lost one lung.... I cut my smoking in half"
(note: dad doesn't smoke. this is a dad joke.)
Moral of the story: Everything in moderation
Fin.
-A.
