Thanks, Brain.

Hello internet.

I don't know why but I'm so sweet jesus bored today.

I'm supposed to be studying but ... just...no.

I painted for a while but that was impeded by my dog putting her face in my way every 2 seconds...

To appease the uncomfortable sensation my brain has been giving me about not posting anything for almost a week..... here is something I drew earlier before yoga to explain what happened to me a few days ago...

I don't know why I feel the need to update this blog/comic thing during the interim of waiting for my drawing tablet to show up (come on Amazon, you're droppin' the ball here!) ... but anyway... here we are so... here is a cartoon! wheeeeeee

I am a dream boat in the morning.

...and my brain perpetually looks like it's in the thick of alcoholic delirium tremors... but whatev.

Right in the face/open mouth.
Thanks, brain - ready to face the day!

Adventures in Photoshop...

A jovial anecdote to express how one adventure through photoshop ruined my weekend...and possibly gave me hypertension.

Aimlessly perusing the internet is one of my biggest talents, particularly if I have a final exam to study for. Since the start of this blog (and my decision to actually TRY to make a webcomic that isn't awful and short-winded), much of my inter-web surf time has centralized around how to's concerning making a successful online cartoon. 

The highlight of all internet in my opinion is crude stick-drawings that have way too much facial expressions (if you haven't already noticed). Being raised on websites such as Hyperbole and a half and Loading Artist has dramatically raised the standards of what I thought I should easily be able to accomplish with little to no time and experience...  

So, having no technological experience whatsoever, I figured I might as well casually glance online for an easy photoshop creature to create in 5mins or less which would reaffirm how well I know how to Computer.

I went on the inter web, found a website that had cute characters you can create in Adobe and I was like, well this will be a good place to start! Not because I didn't think I would be capable of immediately being an Adobe All-Star, but because I genuinely didn't want to intimidate myself with the witchery of assumed-inherent-expert-ability at everything immediately. I decided on a sea critter, because oceans are fun and the critter is basically an adorable circle with legs: 

Fuck this adorable octopus.

Without delay, I loaded up the photoshop program for the first time ever, fully prepared to immediately master it, despite the fact that I don't even own a Tablet to draw with (all I have is a trackpad that probably last week I learned how to 'right click' on).

... Needless to day, confidence was running high that I was about to find yet another thing that (my brain told me) I was naturally a God Among Mortals at:

But as soon as the screen (finally) loaded I was totally blown away by the number of buttons. Once i found the "Pen" button (which took me about 13 minutes to locate), I discovered that I didn't even know how to draw a line because every time I clicked anywhere squiggly nothingness showed up. 

A Diagram of Infinity number of Buttons on Photoshop Illustrator...
Sweet mother of God.

This of course led to an angry frenzy that required me to leave my laptop before I put my fist through it in a murderous rage. It was only then that I learned apparently people go to school to use Adobe programs.
Nevertheless that new fact didn't stop me from opting out of studying for my upcoming final exam and instead spending NINE HOURS attempting in vain to sketch the cute, cuddly, and completely irrelevant octopus (I'm not even exaggerating; it was dark out by the time I stopped flailing wildly at the trackpad on my laptop).
When I finally finished I let out a huge sigh of relief and showed Jon my wonderful creation. But when I genuinely looked at the screen, I realized that in 9 Hours not only was I utterly incapable of drawing a happy circle with legs, I seemed to have somehow invoked the spirit of the ugliest most mentally challenged demon from the 7th layer of hell with my trackpad:

Brain, not being one to accept self-criticism, got angry at Photoshop, because clearly it is a shitty program made those who want to be in a crappy club for jerks. I exclaimed to myself WELL JEEZ I COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT ON JON'S TABLET WITHOUT USING ANY SHITTY EXPENSIVE PROGRAMS. 

So I had to spend another half an hour proving that to myself. 

Unfortunately, that too didn't really pan out on par to my previous self-expectations: 

Resigning myself to utter ineptitude at all things art, I gave up trying to do anything successful and instead just wasted the rest of the night studying.
Though the next day, when I looked back at all the hard work and effort that Saturday brought me, I had my uplifting little motivator (brain) in my head telling me the drawings were perfect all along:

Long story short, I'm sorry that this journal entry was late being posted... and the reason why it was late is because I've continued on the journey of trying to understand Adobe. Cuz one day I really would like to have a genuinely good/successful online comic. Fingers Crossed!

-A.  

This is my brain on music

If anyone was to see me in any public location, they would probably have noted that I tend to wear my iPod all the time. This need to listen to music stemmed from those early days when I moved to the city and had to stand outside in the snow for 35 minutes waiting for a bus to pick me up 20 minutes late and drive me to physical anthropology or whatever. As tends to happen, people try to communicate with you and being a 17 yr old girl with absolutely no ability to converse with others, I did my best to build walls to prevent awkward encounters with others of my species. 

When I started spending 12+ hours per day at school, eventually I had to use a public bathroom... but my bladder just really didn't want any part in that activity when it knew other people could hear it expending fluids. 

So, to appease that inexplicable discomfort, I listened to my iPod whenever I went to the bathroom... and like the whole *I cant see you you cant see me* mentality of four year olds, my bladder was totally cool with vacating itself if I couldn't hear others existing in my vicinity. 

An unfortunate side effect to all this ipod-ing was the idea that my brain developed:

Brain: HOLY SHIT you are unabashedly cool when music is playing!!!

 This led me to do totally stupid things while my brain backed me up like a groupie

Brain:  OH MY GOD KEEP DOING THIS OTHERS RESPECT YOU AS A PERSON FOR HAVING SUCH TALENT.

 Its usually not until minutes/days/years later that I realize I probably was not so much painfully awesome as just painful to be around. 

My brain, then deciding to turn on me, opts to remind me arbitrarily throughout the years of my complete social ineptitude and haunt me on any day that I almost convince myself I'm a normal functioning person in society.

Last week I was studying for a final at school and nature called. So I grabbed my music player and cranked up some sick ole tunes (Fall Out Boy - Young Volcanos.... just saying) to accompany me to the public bathroom.  I was completely overcome with the beatz (with a Z) in my ears and so to show just how cool I am, I started snapping my fingers while walking in a jazzy way with this SUPER COOL look on my face. I was pretty sure that if there was ever a dictionary to be made with the word "ballin'" in it, it would be me at that exact point in time.

Unfortunately, if there was anyone in the hallway that morning, it probably went something more like this:

My mind's intense need to reaffirm an inflated self esteem has been telling me these lies for a long, long time. 

In high school, I drove around this broken down beater truck that smelled like fish plant, and I'd blast the BEST tunes that early 2000s had to offer, roll my window down (regardless of season) and move my arm like some kind of demented turbine windmill to the beat of said awesome song. 

I can only assume whoever was lucky enough to be in my shitty-truck-with-no-muffler was wholeheartedly spellbound by just how awesome I was to be able to move my arm in a swivelly pattern to the tune of female pop singers.

But In reality, I never had that many passengers and, in hindsight, its probably because I drove around town hopped up on red bull and flailing my arms like a savage .

My brain's tyrannical desire to make me queen of the music player world didn't stop there - it became inter-continental. 

Just before I arrived in Cuba for vacation with my mom, I downloaded the BEST cd dial up had to offer that I just happened to know approximately 32.3% of the lyrics for.

Simply because it would have been basically treason for me not to share my impeccable singing with others from another country, I made a point to go out on my balcony not once, not twice, but EVERY night I was there, blast my headphones and wail out 32.3% accurate lyrics. 

Brain: "You are THE cool"

Even now when I think back, my brain pictures some random people stopping below the balcony and smiling and cheering and clapping like I was Celine Dion or some other equally respectable and popular singer that you people listen to these days. 

My brain, clearly, is a dirty lying ho-bag.

So if you ever see me wandering around the hallways or speed walking to/from my car with my headphones in, and some kind of inane facial expression on my face... please stop and remind yourself that the only difference between me and Hodor is my ability to say any word other than Hodor. 

Paneer Makhani - A Review

Dear diary,

A few days ago I had a mean hankering for Paneer Makhani. When you think of Paneer Makhani (if you eat indian food), what do you picture?
Well, I'll tell you what you picture:
You picture these thick, amazing cubes of homemade white cheese perfectly cut to be bite sized.
You picture a bowl so deep and warm you could use it like a hottub. Its filled with hot and spicy tomato based something or another and, oh, what was that? That's right: MOTHERFUCKING CASHEWS, aka nuts made for gods.
That's what you picture.
You picture some awkward music that sounds similar to someone tuning a guitar horribly wrong, but it's ok because you're in a dimly lit restaurant with candles and white wine and some guy doting on you who's like the nicest guy ever and humours all your jokes and makes you feel pretty just because you're cultured enough to eat his food.
That's what you picture.

Now, let me show you what you don't picture:

 

Figure 1: Store bought boxed food with wet, used coffee grounds on it, nestled in a bed of garbage dans ma poubelle in the kitchen.

Welcome to Dr. A's first food review. Hope you brought your toilet, cuz you're gonna need it.

Food: India On Platter - CREAMY COTTAGE CHEESE Paneer Makhani

Presentation: This "meal" came in an aluminum bag inside a box that was already opened. Why did I buy the one that was already opened? Because I didn't know it was open until I got to the front of the line at the checkout and I was like "oh fuck it I ain't royalty". Let it be known that in the same journey to the grocery store I also apparently bought cereal that has been outdated for a month (I didn't even know cereal outdated?)... so... yeah.

Taste/Appearance: I tried to give this box of "food" a chance, I really did! But after like... 4 bites I was like.. no. just no. There was no cashews, which is alright I guess. I can live without a bitta cashew to make my day. But the cheese (as it says on the box) is cottage cheese. It is a square of cottage cheese. Cottage cheese packed in a bag of some kind of mush with the texture of meconium that was then preserved for like 19 years in a bag made of aluminum. 

When I was in cadets I spent a lot of time in the bush (aka; the woods) and we lived on army rations. The last night I was in the bush I got an aluminum bag of salisbury steak that looked kind of what I imagine wet pedigree dog food would look like after a dog ate it. You know, if you could like.. Magic Schoolbus your way into the dog post-meal. I didn't like it, and shortly afterword like 90% of the people I was in the bush with all got ticks. Coincidence? Maybe... 

Anyway, I'd rather eat that bush league (legit) food again than this.

Subsequently, upon admitting defeat I thought to myself: maybe my dog would like it ! So I gave her a spoonful in her dish. And even the dog was like "what in the sweet mother of god is this orange abomination? I can't even see colour and even I can tell you it looks like shit". 

So into the garbage it went.

But I remained so unsettled by the sensations of the box-food in my belly that I felt compelled to haul it out of the garbage and take a picture of it - it was that bad that I needed photographic proof of its existence. 

If this was trip advisor I would give it 1/5 stars and then give you graphic detail as to exactly what happened 1-3hrs later that required my recommendation for a toilet. 

True story.

And on that mental image...  there ends my food review. 

Happy studies, dudes/dudettes!

- A.

The Journey to be a Dragon Mom (just like Game of Thrones!)

While attempting to study for my paediatrics final this afternoon, I found myself unabashedly depressed. I tried napping, but that didn't make me feel better. I ate some indian food... but that just made me gassy.
And then I realized what was missing in my life: Dragons.

So this begat a journey unlike any other (that is a lie, many people have done this) to the store. Not just any store! The store for people who are too cheap to go to their hair dressers and get shit done professionally. That's right, Sally's.

So to every male that's reading this, sorry bros you gotta deal with some serious chick business up in hurr. But if you're a REAL man, you'll grow a pair and you'll follow me along this wondrous journey to become a Targaryen Mother of Dragons!

Step One: Put on really ugly clothes (I prefer my walmart sweater with bleach stains and weird holes from dog-teeth), roll your hair up like a boss (half up half down like you're a Who from Whooville), then put on the cheapest gloves you can find. YOU ARE GOING TO USE HYDROGEN PEROXIDE ASSHOLE - shit burns. 

........Look at all dis stuff ! ---->

Step Two: Read instructions on box. Realize it tells you to wet your stupid hair. Resort to prying cheap gloves off your hands and shove your head in the sink because the shower is like.. three whole feet away and I can't be bothered with that kind of exercise. 

Step Three: Put all the mush on your head. Find something to do for 30 mins

Step Four: Panic because the mush on your head turned purple and also is beginning to feel like fire ants to the scalp. Worry that maybe you will die and perhaps you should call a friend to bail your ass out when this whole thing doesn't pan out any better than a burnt pancake from a discredible dollarama non-stick frying pan. While waiting for said companion, take a selfie or three.

Step Five: Take off painful mush from head/face/arms/sink/floor/clothes. Wash/dry hair. Anticipation of all kinds to be the next most awesome Daenerys Targaryan lookalike which will in turn result in dragons mystically appearing ASAP to be ur babies. 

Step Six: Be disappointed because none of that happened.

Step Seven: Realize that you didn't need to dye your hair to be the mother of dragons - YOU HAD A BABY DRAGON ALL ALONG! OMGGGgggg111!!!!!11!!1

Step Eight: After important lesson (re: step seven) about self-confidence has been achieved, waste 25 mins trying to do the best Winterfell meme possible. Be happy cuz at least you can make yourself have one lazy eye whenever you wants for pics, and that's pretty alright in my books!

Fin.

-A.

Dr. A's Guide to Human Interaction

May 1st marks the beginning of a series of 30 day challenges I have agreed to as a valiant attempt to better myself as a human being. It all began with "30 days of yoga", compliments of the proposition encountered at Moksha Yoga downtown. After a solid month of him-hawing about whether or not this was an endeavour I wished to pursue, I decided "yeah, fuck it" (or, in the world of G-rated inter webs: YOLO).

The 30-day moksha challenge then expanded in my mind to become "30-days of no alcohol". Given that I initiated this blog with a wine review one random tuesday afternoon, you can imagine how easy my multi-30-day-festivus will be. Nevertheless, here we are and so to commemorate this wondrous occasion, I have decided to initiate the month with a blog best-titled as Dr. Ang's Guide to Human Interaction.

It's quite obvious by my perpetual partying and joyous mood that I am SUPER popular and clearly talented in the ways of communicating with my peers (note: this is sarcasm. I never go out and I'm a big cranky loser no big deal, moving on). The following are real comments I have made to real people (maybe even, you!). If you like, you may download these images to use at your discretion, should you find yourself in interaction with a human which requires such communicative methods. I promise on behalf of my own personal experience that each and every comment is always perfectly acceptable and appreciated by said person you are directing it to. So without further delay, here they be:

Oh... and by the way: you're welcome.

Quoteable No.1: 

This particular comment was administered to a human after they told me something that I'm sure was important and possibly distressing at the time, but I have a problem with listening so... I don't really remember the events surrounding said comment. HOWEVER, and without a doubt, this statement can be used in SO many facets of conversation. Make sure you use the correct grammar/spelling/punctuation (what am I, an english major?) because otherwise the person might not take you seriously.

Quoteable No. 2:

Perhaps you have a human in your life that is feeling insecure. Maybe they are of the fortune to be looking to you for some kind of confidence booster. Well.. here ya go! Just try not to use it too much; much like certain Charizard attacks, it's SUPER effective. You don't wanna be giving people a fat head by reminding them that overall they are adequate as a person.

Quoteable No.3:

Is someone in your life complaining about how their foot fell asleep and now they can't get off the couch and get to yoga in time (coughmecough)? ... or maybe they've been rambling for a solid 20minutes about like, the unpleasantries of bird poop on their car windshield and how it impacted their day VASTLY... but then realized they have been beating said issue to death... or they noticed your eyes glazing over (unless you're me, and you do most of your conversations on Facebook)?.... well this is EXACTLY the comment those people are looking for. Let them know its alright to be upset with an encouraging and supportive, totally nonoffensive statement.
Plus points if you straight up send them the image cuz that tranquil lake will totally help unravel their stresses.

Quoteable No.4:

Bolster someone's self esteem while you let that less-than-special person down easy with this mutually-respectful sentence, all at the same time!

Quoteable No.5: 

Maybe you've been pondering, nay, agonizing, over the perfect way to tell someone that they mean the world to you.... well there ya go: problem solved.

Quoteable No. 6: 

Express to the one you cherish that, while you respect their opinion and their hopes and dreams and whatever, sometimes it's just not cool to bring up deep existential crises while concurrently trying to appeal to your sexy side.

Quoteable No. 7, 8 and 9: THESE ARE ALL PICK UP LINES. USE THEM WISELY BECAUSE THEY ARE 100% THE RIGHT THING TO SAY TO ANYONE AT ANYTIME NO MATTER WHAT (again, all personally tested by me)
...I am the definition of romance. Trust me. I know how to woo.

And lastly, one for the ladies:

In conclusion, spread this wealth of savvy communication tools widely. And remember, if all else fails... there's always the gems from the 9gag comments section to help a brutha/sista out!

Namaste, Bitches.

-A.

The Many Talents of Indie

The following are a quick introduction to the many wonders that is my dog and all her capabilities.
But before you get jealous....just remember: every dog is different. So please do not feel discouraged if your dog is not as awesome as mine.

Talent #1: Morning SnugglesIt took a little while (ie: months), but now that Indie and I have figured out each other’s likes and dislikes, we’ve got a good system of cuddles going. This is my absolute favorite part of having a puppy, and by far outweighs the need to clean up a small furry species’ poop several times a day.
Sure, we have our disagreements (ex., horizontal and sprawled across the bed is not an acceptable lying method, nor is jabbing paw-talons into anyone’s back throughout the night, or even the occasional pee on my pillow), but overall we’re a team and that’s all that matters

..........

Talent #2: The Successful SelfieIndie knows exactly when and how to pose, and she always shows her best side. We’re still working on the whole “stop moving for longer than 2 picoseconds” thing… but… it’s work in progress!

Talent #3: Setting the MoodBecause nothing says “time to get down to business” with a special someone like a furry big-eyed creature sneaking up on you and staring you right in the eye, unblinking, before attacking you with some kind of neck-fight akin to what I imagine giraffes must do. Marvin Gaye and Sade ain’t got nothin’ on an adolescent italian greyhound.
And if you’re not in the mood for her company, she takes it upon herself to renovate the carpet when you lock her out of the bedroom. Thanks for the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Indie (see: Talent #4: interior design)

Talent #4: Interior DesignI can honestly say I never would have thought to rearrange my fake palm tree such that is it sprawled across the living room floor, nor would I have considered the vast array of advantages that comes with having the inside of a loveseat out for the world to see… but that’s where Indie greatly surpasses my talents at interior design. We haven’t tried the House MD dvd yet, but I’m sure the teeth marks will make it work twice as well as it did unscathed.

.........

Talent #5: Locating Exactly ONE ShoeFor those days when only one of your feet is cold and the other can go fuck itself

Talent #6: Backyard Worm-HuntingI tried to time her today (not even kidding), and I couldn’t even get the timer out in time before she caught a half-frozen worm. My girl is a wild animal, true and true.

Talent #7: Weather PredictionsIndie can tell with 99% certainty that it is shitty out and therefore all peeing will occur on the carpet

Talent #8: Settling DisagreementsDue to the sensitive nature of this topic, I took it upon myself to draw cartoons of said heated discussion, rather than take pictures during any arguments with significant other. I think they do the job quite nicely.

Talent #9: Tecknologie
“Oh, I’m sorry… were you using this? Would you like my help in your facebooking?”

Fin.

......OR IS IT?!?!!?

....yes. yes it is.

-Dr. A.