Paneer Makhani - A Review

Dear diary,

A few days ago I had a mean hankering for Paneer Makhani. When you think of Paneer Makhani (if you eat indian food), what do you picture?
Well, I'll tell you what you picture:
You picture these thick, amazing cubes of homemade white cheese perfectly cut to be bite sized.
You picture a bowl so deep and warm you could use it like a hottub. Its filled with hot and spicy tomato based something or another and, oh, what was that? That's right: MOTHERFUCKING CASHEWS, aka nuts made for gods.
That's what you picture.
You picture some awkward music that sounds similar to someone tuning a guitar horribly wrong, but it's ok because you're in a dimly lit restaurant with candles and white wine and some guy doting on you who's like the nicest guy ever and humours all your jokes and makes you feel pretty just because you're cultured enough to eat his food.
That's what you picture.

Now, let me show you what you don't picture:

 

Figure 1: Store bought boxed food with wet, used coffee grounds on it, nestled in a bed of garbage dans ma poubelle in the kitchen.

Welcome to Dr. A's first food review. Hope you brought your toilet, cuz you're gonna need it.

Food: India On Platter - CREAMY COTTAGE CHEESE Paneer Makhani

Presentation: This "meal" came in an aluminum bag inside a box that was already opened. Why did I buy the one that was already opened? Because I didn't know it was open until I got to the front of the line at the checkout and I was like "oh fuck it I ain't royalty". Let it be known that in the same journey to the grocery store I also apparently bought cereal that has been outdated for a month (I didn't even know cereal outdated?)... so... yeah.

Taste/Appearance: I tried to give this box of "food" a chance, I really did! But after like... 4 bites I was like.. no. just no. There was no cashews, which is alright I guess. I can live without a bitta cashew to make my day. But the cheese (as it says on the box) is cottage cheese. It is a square of cottage cheese. Cottage cheese packed in a bag of some kind of mush with the texture of meconium that was then preserved for like 19 years in a bag made of aluminum. 

When I was in cadets I spent a lot of time in the bush (aka; the woods) and we lived on army rations. The last night I was in the bush I got an aluminum bag of salisbury steak that looked kind of what I imagine wet pedigree dog food would look like after a dog ate it. You know, if you could like.. Magic Schoolbus your way into the dog post-meal. I didn't like it, and shortly afterword like 90% of the people I was in the bush with all got ticks. Coincidence? Maybe... 

Anyway, I'd rather eat that bush league (legit) food again than this.

Subsequently, upon admitting defeat I thought to myself: maybe my dog would like it ! So I gave her a spoonful in her dish. And even the dog was like "what in the sweet mother of god is this orange abomination? I can't even see colour and even I can tell you it looks like shit". 

So into the garbage it went.

But I remained so unsettled by the sensations of the box-food in my belly that I felt compelled to haul it out of the garbage and take a picture of it - it was that bad that I needed photographic proof of its existence. 

If this was trip advisor I would give it 1/5 stars and then give you graphic detail as to exactly what happened 1-3hrs later that required my recommendation for a toilet. 

True story.

And on that mental image...  there ends my food review. 

Happy studies, dudes/dudettes!

- A.